I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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