I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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