You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you traded sex for a burrito?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
