just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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