I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
