I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
