i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We got so high we made milksteak
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
