I am spending my child support on dildos
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
