Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
