She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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