I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
worst night to have a conscience
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
