Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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