After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
