The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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