I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
