Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
