so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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