I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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