So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
