hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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