Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
