Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I deserve this hangover.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
