Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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