I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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