She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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