Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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