Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize
