And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
