I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
