if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
