I am puke
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
