were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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