first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
