your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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