she takes plan B like it's going out of style
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
