you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
