Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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