Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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