Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
