Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
