My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
