Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
