if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
