My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
