He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
