I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Randomize
