life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
