U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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