her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
