i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
