I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
