Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
