Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
