he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
