I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
