She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
